What are you fighting for?

Just a thought about conflict. When we step into conflict of any form what do we really want? Do you really know or do you just step in guns blazing voice, raised adrenalin rushing. 

Don't talk to me with that tone, you are making me smaller, I don't like being smaller. Dont even think of about that attitude. I am bigger than you ever will be. You are insulting my intelligence. What, you think you are better than me? It can't happen, it will never happen on my watch. Rein it in or suffer the consequences. Don't you know how angry I can get it? Aren't you afraid? Haven't you learned? 

These are just some of things we can feel, without the dramatic language and the dumbing down of ourselves as we hunker down to fight. Our senses close down and we become unaware of our surroundings. The angrier we become the more our surroundings disappear and our focus is cocked loaded and ready to fire. Just give me that moment. 

Let's just stand back a moment, and think.

In Karate sparring students mostly do the same. We react. The opponent throws this we throw that. There is no game plan, it's reactive. It's survival. It's the fight game ritualised. But there is no end goal. It's a you hit me I hit you game. No goal. Now in competitive fighting that cannot be the goal. But in relationships the goal is quite different. In karate I want to encourage my students to take the non reactive advantage. To decide what they want. To show superiority, to dominate, to out point and show superiority, or to be stronger, to hurt them, to cause them to submit. In karate in competition your sites are set to win. But in a relationship if it is to be ongoing, you need a completely different focus. The focus is not to win, not to placate but to stop it dead, if you want that relationship to continue and to prosper. The goal of ending conflict is to gain a resolution that makes life better from then onwards but in the heat of hurt and anger that is too easy to forget. Karate is final.

Nothing worthwhile is gained from simply reacting 

In a relationship with a partner the goal is completely different from sparring in Karate yet the reactions and tendencies are the same. The goals legions apart. When you are argue you are sparring with facial expressions, the tone of your voice, the bent of your body, the light in your eyes, the muscles of your lips. Your entire being is focussed on defence and reaction. It's like real combat and so damn sad. 

So lets stand back and be super beings.

That means when you are sparring the goal is to win. That is the understood plan, the game. It's a war, and war on this level is healthy. You grow become more competent focussed and self respecting. You win by points, dominance, strategy, determination and spirit. In relationships which are the:

Bedrock of your life

You win by listening, by controlling impulses, by downsizing adrenalin when there is no war, by seeing your opponent as your friend or the person you love, and treasure, and turning off the the warrior instincts and bring back your wisdom. Just a thought from the fields of life.